Off the Couch – A Survival Guide to Starting Over After 50
10 Tips to Starting Over After 50
Are you starting over at 50 or later? Read on.
Sh#t happens at any age, but at a certain age, chances are it’s come for you. You may find yourself starting over for any number of reasons – divorce, job loss, relocation, financial devastation. The list is endless.
Loss is loss. And we mourn it in. A former spouse, a former job, a pet, maybe even a former home or community. We mourn it.
I had a trifecta!
There’s no handbook for navigating through it all. At first it was a matter of just getting out of bed each day, learning to breathe again, and then finally creating a brand new career I couldn’t have dreamed of.
Guess what? A few years later, I’m still standing.
I survived, and dare I say, even thrived.
And so can you. Millions of people are starting over after 50, and loving it.
We do these things and we come out on the other side.
My life is richer and more rewarding than I could have hoped.
Will I ever be the same? Nope. But that’s just fine.
Sifting Through the Ashes – Mind, Spirit and Body
Regardless of your circumstances and why you’re pushing reset, take a couple deep breaths right now, say goodbye to what was and know that you are far stronger, more creative and more resilient than you think. My personal path to getting through it all and finding new purpose and joy involved reinventing my life one step at a time, on every level – Mind, Spirit and Body. Yours may be simpler.
Sometimes it’s just a matter of us learning to find the beginning in what seems to be the end.
Break it all into small bits you can manage.
Celebrate the small victories.
Make the small victories more and more frequent until finally they run together into something that starts to make you feel brand new. Voila.
Here are 10 tips that helped me start over after 50 and create a new way of being in the world.
Tame Your Mind – You’re Not Broken Forever. Promise!
There’s a trauma and anxiety that goes with any new start.
Whether it’s worrying about making the mortgage payment after losing your job, or if you can make a new business work, how you will possibly find a job at sixty, how things can come together after a divorce, or just wondering if your heart will ever survive a loss.
It’s there, it’s loud and it’s real.
Yes, the roar of your own mind can bring you to your knees.
Stay there as long as you need. Then let’s get on with it.
Some of the tools that brought me relief and new joy were surprisingly simple and accessible.
1 – Give Yourself Time
We all grieve in different ways and at different paces. There is no shame in feeling pain. That’s what separates us from the psychopaths! So go right ahead and FEEL it. Cry, whine, wallow and do whatever you want.
And don’t let anyone tell you “it’s time to get over it.” It’s time when it’s time. Period.
Just remember, pain is not binary. Even if you can only hear that nagging, mean voice in your head, there’s lots more going on. And bit by bit, you’ll begin to notice things like the warmth of the sun, or the gentle touch of a friend, or the sound of your own laughter.
2 – One Breath at a Time – Meditation Heals
Stop the movie in your mind and that crappy niggling voice in your head that makes you ask yourself the same questions again and again, pushing the same thoughts and worries through you in an endless loop. I like to think about it in this very non-scientific way. Basically, you have this one neural path in your mind. Keep that darn channel too jammed up with good stuff to ruminate over what was, what could have been, what may be coming.
Meditate, read, learn Swahili- just jam that guy up.
Meditation quickly became my first aid kit.
Check out these sources:
- Deepak and Oprah frequently offer FREE 21 Day Meditation Experiences. Check out the Chopra Center site to see what’s up. It wasn’t long before my mind began to quiet and those delicious 20 minutes became the best part of my day.
- Lots of mediation apps have popped up recently. I think of these as “meditation light” since they are mostly guided and shorter. But a great place for a beginner to start. Some offer FREE 7 day trials, meditations and other practices specifically for sleep, motivation, health and more. Some favorites: calm.com, headspace.com. A quick search for “meditation apps” will turn up a dozen or so.
- YouTube has tons of meditations and instructional videos for all levels
3 – Writing Your Way Out – Journaling is Underrated
Get yourself a beautiful journal that you love to touch. It should lie flat, with big wide spaces to write, draw or for you to just sit and touch the pages. Find a pen that writes as fast as you can think. And start. Write anything. Write to make sense of things, write to figure stuff out, write to rehash, write to plan your next move, or just to vent and spew expletives if so inclined. It’s your private space. You’ll feel a little self-conscious and mechanical at first, but soon you’ll be flying. When your writing becomes automatic, stream of consciousness, (you know, like someone’s whispering in your ear) you’ll get it. Over time, you’ll find yourself dropping your anxiety and your story. And the page will talk to you. That day when you find yourself looking forward and feeling fearless, you’ll know you’ve turned a corner. And you’ll probably be as in love with writing as millions of others around the world. Try this one today!
Change Your Life – Break the Inertia
Your beautiful new life isn’t going to create itself. And frankly, time’s a wastin’. Push yourself off the couch and do something – anything! Take a walk outside. Listen to the leaves rustle, or the snow crunch under your feet, or the water lapping on the shoreline. Stroll through a museum, or a farmers market. Start by doing this every day for a week.
For some great ideas you can start today, check out “Try Something New Today”
4 – Where is Everyone? Finding Friends and Kinship after 50.
It’s tough feeling lonely even though you just want to be alone.
Remember that you aren’t in this alone.
Whatever your circumstance, I guarantee others are/have/or will experience it. It’s life.
You may find comfort in that – for me, not so much. Who has time for someone else’s pain. Misery does love company, but make it positive, friendly company.
Finding new friends later in life can be awkward and icky. Here are some tips.
- Reach out to your old friends. They will be there. Tell them what you need and let them do it.
- Bless Facebook for providing a neutral, passive platform where I could reach out to friends, old and new without committing to a conversation or rehash of what’s transpired, and a commitment that often was no more than a “like.” But rebuilding your community is healing and fun, not to mention cathartic. Connecting to kids from grammar school, hearing from your former in-laws, or reminiscing with old colleagues is the best reminder of the cyclical and passing nature of life. What matters so much today will eventually dull. It won’t go away. But it won’t be what it is today.
- Meetup.com is a fabulous non-dating way to meet like-minded people, whatever your jam is. Speaking French, cooking, wine club, book club, kayaking. I experimented until I found some things that best suited me. Some of my hits and misses :
- Dragon Boat Racing – Yes! But too far away to continue.
- Snorkeling- YES!! I remember the first time I felt the warm water around me, fish swimming below, and realized I was smiling.
- Happy Hours – nope. Random crowd. I like my own friends better.
More traditional? Check out volunteer opportunities with museums, concerts or events in your area.
Online Dating- Let’s just leave that for another day.
Take Back Your Health
It’s hard to take care of those beautiful ruins when breathing is still your top priority. But this one is going to pay back in aces.
Take Care of Your One and Only Body.
5 – Beware that demon alcohol.
I’m gonna get a little preachy here. If you’re hiding your wine bottles from the trash guys, having a hard time stringing together a couple days without a toddy, or find yourself clock watching around 5pm, it may well be time to reassess your things. Drinking is a depressant, (yes, that means it makes things worse!!), it saps your energy and your will to dig yourself out of this whole mess.
Check out these articles about trying on Alcohol Free for size.
Crushing the Alcohol Experiment!
Blame it On The Wine- 5 Signs it May Be Time It May Be Time to Break Up With Booze
6 – Junk Food Binging?
See “Demon Alcohol” above. Make the time to be mindful in your eating.
A great place to start?
- Kill the sugar and processed food.
- Fill your fridge with glass containers of gorgeous washed fruit ready to snack on by the handful. I am a raspberry junkie and float them in my club soda, dump them on my cereal, or just grab a few ‘cuz I can.
- And a container of almonds make a great grab and go.
7 – Even Your Yoga Pants are Too Tight?
Since we are still in the “Be Gentle With Yourself” phase, no need to go crazy. But do get up, get out, start a gentle walk program. Join a yoga class and soak up the zen at the same time. Pop in to the local health club. Just move.
A WORD ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH –
IF YOU ARE OVERWHELMED AND FEELING DEPRESSED DO NOT HESITATE TO SEE YOUR DOCTOR, FIND A MENTAL HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL, CONSULT WITH APPROPRIATE SUBSTANCE ABUSE ORGANIZATIONS AND SPECIALISTS. THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE.
8 – Zen and the Art of Decluttering
When you’re drowning in emotional, and sometimes administrative mess, general disarray of your home ain’t gonna help. Whether the paperwork is piled in the air ‘cuz you just don’t care, or you’re closing in on hoarder status, trust me on this one. You’ve gotta clean that stuff out. There’s not anything more cathartic than seeing those bags of “stuff” go out the door. Just one more way to get rid of the chaos. Pick a drawer, or a cupboard, or a shelf, and do it. You’ll find yourself going back after to smile in wonder at that clean new space.
9 – When the Severance/ Alimony/Last Paycheck/ (you fill in the blank:) Runs Out – Find Your Financial Truth
This part is not fun. But it’s gotta be said. You need to know where you stand financially. Don’t let this be your Achilles Heel. And if you’re reading this and have no worries in that area, keep reading. Every single person on this earth needs to understand her/his financial health. If you don’t have or can’t afford a professional – educate yourself. In fact, educate yourself anyhow.
Some “must knows”
- Budget 101 – How much to you have available monthly? How much do you spend?
- Health Insurance – Is it tied to someone else’s policy, what are deductibles, when do you qualify for medicare?
- Mortgage terms – When will it be paid off and how could you expedite this?
- Home Insurance Policies – Can you bundle them, ie homeowners, flood, windstorm to get a preferred rate? What are your deductibles?
- What’s your plan for retirement?
- When is Social Security available to you, and will the loss of a spouse provide you with additional benefits or change the timing?
Some handy resources:
- I love the David Bach books and gift them to friends often, even though they are a little dated. “Smart Women Finish Rich.” Suzie Orman, Jean Chatzky. Stop by the bookstore and browse today. Yes, you can get them online, but we’re trying to get out more these days, right?
- An internet search of “women’s financial health” is a great place to start. Worksheets, videos, advice – it’s all there.
Stay tuned for an upcoming blog that explores this further.
NOTE: WE ARE NOT OFFERING LEGAL OR FINANCIAL ADVICE, WE ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO DO SO. PLEASE CONSULT YOUR PROFESSIONALS
10 – But I Don’t Even Have a Parachute – Create Your Second Act
Here’s where the good stuff happens. I found myself well past 50, out of my big ‘ol high paying job, without my long time partner. Don’t get me wrong. It took time to recognize the new gifts that were about to open up to me. But they did.
- I work from home in digital marketing with two really smart young guys and with clients we love.
- I’ve discovered blogging – my way of scratching my “writing itch,” and hopefully giving a few people a smile or at least a virtual hug from time to time.
- I have a side hustle for a travel magazine that gets me some pretty cushy travel.
- I completed a magazine-worthy renovation of my “Florida 50’s House” Who knew a Florida ranch could look like this? (More to come on that on secondmojo.com).)
I share this only to promise you that life is good, and there is so much yet to come. Stay tuned for upcoming blogs on kick starting your life after 50.
Gotta say this again – because it is important.
A WORD ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH –
IF YOU ARE OVERWHELMED AND FEELING DEPRESSED DO NOT HESITATE TO SEE YOUR DOCTOR, FIND A MENTAL HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL, CONSULT WITH APPROPRIATE SUBSTANCE ABUSE ORGANIZATIONS AND SPECIALISTS. THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE.
Why not get a start on that reboot today? Check out “Kickstart Your Second Act – Design a Life You Love TODAY!” and download our FREE workbook to get you started.
For more ideas for getting your second mojo going today take a look at Try Something New Today
You may also enjoy Get Your Mojo Back! The Joy of New Beginnings.
Struggling with quarantine? These are some epic thoughts on sailing through it. Things to do While in Quarantine to Stay Sane.
If you enjoyed this article, please let us know.
We’d love to hear about your experience in starting over after 50. Please comment in the white Comments section below.
And be sure to pop your email into the form to get your Free Download – “10 Tips to Starting Over Today.” It’s a guide to start rocking your new life now. What are you waiting for??
As always, sharing is caring.
Thanks for stopping in
XOX Cyn
Hello,
I am so happy to find this. The past year has been a difficult one. I lost both my brother and my mom, leaving me the last remaining member of my immediate family. I also ended an unstable 6 year relationship. Finally, my boss harassed me for taking off (without pay) for my brother’s final days and funeral (I was his caretaker), resulting in my leaving the job. So there is grief, loss and stress on multiple fronts. I am glad to find these steps to start healing and starting a new life from here. Eventually.
Hi Linda,
I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds like you had the karmic trifecta too. I know…it’s crushing. But you will be amazed at what you can do and the new life you can create. Give it time. Did you read “Kickstart Your Second Act” on my blog?
There is also a free Workbook that you can sign up for on the pop up. You may find it helpful. Thank you for stopping by and stay strong. You’ll be amazed what you can do. Warmly, Cynthia
Cyn, I just read your blog and feel so inspired and ready to take one step at a time but it seems so overwhelming to just do something. A good day for me is a day when I don’t have to think about catching my husband with a prostitute, escort or any of his other mistresses, cousins, etc. I am glad to be away from the drama but it still haunts me to the point of anxiety which I never had before but nevertheless your suggestion of thinking positive thoughts and mediation is definitely something that will get me started on tackling your other suggestions. Thank you so much for being relatable.
Hi Shelia! That’s a lot to have to process every day. I am so glad you found the site helpful. It sounds like it may be time for you to put your attention to something that makes you happy! Did you read the article “Kickstart Your Second Act.” You’ll see it on the homepage. Maybe you will find it useful. Wishing you peace and happiness for 2021 starting today! Thanks for stopping by. ps- Check out the free workbook you can get from signing up on the pop up. Cyn
This looks like a great site. I will definitely come back often to get information and inspiration. I’m 54 and have been working in the medical industry forever, first as a nurse for many years and then as a receptionist when my daughter was about 2. She’s now 19 and I need a change. I dream of creating something of my own that I could do from home. Something that would enable me to also pursue my interests. And where I don’t have to beg a boss for time off when I need it. Or be expected to put my job ahead of my health. I’m looking forward to starting again but, wow, where does someone of my age start?
Hi Debs!
Sorry for the late reply- Holidays! I was older than you when I started over. You can definitely do it. There is nothing like being your own boss and working on something that brings you joy and fulfillment. Did you check out my article “Kickstart Your Second Act- 4 Easy Steps to Starting Over After 50?” I did a free workbook for you guys to accompany it too. You’ll see the article on the homepage of secondmojo.com and can get the workbook by signing up on the pop up. Let me know if it helps you!! Good luck, cynthia
Thank you so much for this article. I am starting over at 48. My husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. He was pretty much the sole provider for our household. I dabbled in real estate as a side hustle and I have two choices. Get serious about real estate or go back to school to start over. I am nervous about being to old. I am ready to kick start my second act. One day and one decision at a time.
Hi Rachel,
I am so sorry about your loss. It can all be so overwhelming. You are 100% not too old to do this! Paring it down to one decision at a time, one day, or even one hour at a time is exactly how I took it on. And then one day, I realized I was on the other side of it all. You can do this! I hope the workbook helos a little but. I’ll be drilling down more deeply into each area over the coming weeks, so please check in again. By the way, two of my friends in real estate mentioned to me last week that the market in their area is on fire! My best to you. Please keep in touch, Cynthia
Oh, I forgot to mention I am a male. I know this blog was for women but found it helpful for my situation 🙂
Hi Matt, See my note to you below. Men start over too! Glad to hear from you and I will keep trying to keep it relevant for all of us. Enjoy Act 2! c
Yesterday I lost my job after 12 years. I just turned 47. I still feel like it’s a bad dream I can’t wake up from.
Today I had my first thought of acceptance and your site found me.
Forgive me if this is long but I want to share my story and hopefully gain some inspiration.
2 years ago I reconnected with my first love. We were in a long distance relationship (I’m in Canada and she in the Philippines) in our early 20’s and as things go at that age we faded apart. Fast forward 24 years and one marriage each and she found me. Still long distance but closer now that she became an American. So with my good paying job I was able to fly out often and start our love anew. We traveled back to the Philippines together in March. And then COVID hit. We’ve been seperated ever since. We had talked of it before and figured we would not let Covid stop is and began planning for our wedding in Dec. Everything was great.
Then yesterday I was let go from my job. I’m devastated right now. My girl is amazing. She’s sticking with me and I’ve gotta push forward because she deserves it. It is because of her I’m reaching out now. Not asking for anything but some kind words and motivation. She’s an amazing woman, but I just need all the help I can get right now.
Thank you for your site. It will be my first tool to a new beginning
Hi Erwin! Sorry for the slow response. I have been offline for most of the day. I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. But I get it. I lost my partner Joe, my career, and my mom all within a couple of weeks. Devastating. I could barely breathe. But trust me. You have resilience you can’t even dream of right now. You are young, have a lovely partner in this, and will find your way. It took a while, but I finally saw this was not the end of my world, but just a crappy setback. And I think you’ll find the same thing. I’m in your corner and feel free to email me privately anytime. cynthia@secondmojo.com A couple of practical things—take a week or so to catch your breath. If you are eligible, apply for unemployment today to take the pressure off, and trim down your spending. And give some thought to what you really want to do so the next job lights you up!!! And then Skype your lovely. 🙂 Best to you and your girl! Cynthia.
Thank you for this site. I’m 51 my husband unexpectedly passed away recently due to COVID-19. He was the sole provider as I have a health issue. Now I’m looking in the mirror scared to death and wondering “What Now?” I truly have to find myself all over again. My husband is gone and my sons are grown. Now it’s just me. I’m appreciating the time and all the new possibilities if I can just get out of my own way!
Oh Marquita, I am so sorry. It is so overwhelming and feels like it’s hard to breathe sometimes, doesn’t it? Take it a moment at a time. Give yourself all the time you need. We can find our way back!! cynthia
Married at 18, 3 kids, divorced at 34, nurse at 36, grandma of twins at 39 and adopted them years later. Finally at 46 began what was supposed to be a forever relationship…but hes a narcissist and I’m trying to find a way out…while raising my girls (homeschooling), working fulltime and completing master’s degree in nursing. Please keep sharing your mojo, I desperately need it.
Wow Kelly
First- sorry for the slow response. I have been offline with hand surgery. You sure have a full plate! You sound driven so I know you will manage. Don’t forget to take some time for YOU. More mojo coming! Cynthia
Kelly
Sorry for the slow response. I have been out with hand surgery so not much online work! Wow, it sounds like you have your hands full. But good for you for knowing what you have to do. Your plate is full. Take a breath and take time out for YOU. Stay tuned…more mojo to come.
cynthia
Thanks for sharing your message here. I am 55-ish and divorced two weeks ago. Our house is about to close escrow. I gave our company to my ex along with a very expensive long lease. I have no kids and no pets. I do not have a new residence yet. What DO I have? A motorhome, a Jeep in tow to explore, a new city to go and try out while having not one connection there. If I don’t like the city I chose, I head down the coast until I find a place that fits me to restart my life. I have for once in my life a fresh start and can make it what ever I want it to be. I’m so excited to just see what life brings and the adventure that’s ahead. I could wallow in sorrow but I would rather bathe in my new freedom and discover a new happiness, work, life balance. Thank you for the inspiration. I know I am not alone in that we have all experienced big change in life and without that, life would just be one big Groundhog Day. Less than two weeks the adventure begins!
Hey Matt,
I’m so glad you stopped by. I love your energy and your mindset! Honestly, I wake up just about every morning at 5:00am excited about the day and jumping into whatever I feel like. Those first couple hours of the morning give me quiet, guiltless time to chase down whatever rabbit hole I’m interested in at the time. And I find plenty. 🙂 I hope you will keep in touch and tell us what adventures you discover. It sounds like the best is just ahead for you and I’d love to hear about it. I’m working on a post right now about finding your next passion in the time of coronavirus. Stay tuned. If you’re on my mailing list, I’ll let you know when it’s live. Stay safe and find that next thing. Best, C
Seeing your post in August 2020, where did you and your motorhome land?
H Seveine, I am wondering the same thing! I hope to hear from Matt “from the road!” Cynthia
Hello Seveine and Cynthia, Well I spent two weeks to start with visiting with my brother and his/my family in California. Went ocean fishing many times and had a blast catching many salmon, rock fish and even hooked in to a blue fin tuna which humbled us. Chased it for an hour and a half at speeds up to 30mph and it wasn’t even phased after fighting for all that time. It eventually broke our line but what an experience. It was great to just enjoy catching up with family. I then headed to Coos Bay to possibly get things started there. Most all RV camp site were booked pretty solid. The long term rv parks didn’t have any openings for two or three months. So there I was in various parks camping alone. This became boring and unproductive. My enthusiasm was waning. I then met up with some friends nearby at an rv site and my friend had a listing coming up right back in Eugene. I decided to buy the place before it went on the mls and I am now settled. It became very obvious that I missed all the connections and support I had. It was good to take off for a while and disconnect. I can still go in the rv whenever I want but it’s great to be landed again. Thanks for checking in with me :-))
Hi Matthew!! So good to hear from you. That sounds like my kind of trip. That was a drastic change to make so soon! Glad you’re back with friends and support and doing well. Good luck with your new start. Sounds like you have done a lot of healing already. Keep us posted please! Fondly, Cynthia
I have often thought about the very same things that you have expressed here, I had a really hard time, after having it all losing it all (not my kids) but have to start all over is very dunting, who you thought it was always there, was not really there, it’s a process and a hard one.
I am still trying but I think that we call all do much better if information like this reaches us all.
Thanks for taking the time to do this for all of us.
Thanks so much for stopping by! Yes, we can do this. It’s not easy but so rewarding. Keep an eye out. I’m working on an article about”keeping on with it” during quarantine. Good luck to you and stay tuned for more! I hope you signed up for emails. thanks again, Cynthia
So as a man with depression that finally took its toll on my 30 year marriage, I also appreciate this. I’ll be reading your other work soon. My wife came to the conclusion that she is happier when I am not around and that she doesn’t love me anymore. Coming to terms with that sometimes feels impossible, but I’ll make it through.
Hi Brian
Yes, we can do these things!
It’s one foot in front of the other, every day.
Wishing you peace,
Thanks for reading
C
I’ve been meditating for the past few months and it has helped me immensely. I’ve used an app but will also check out Oprah and Deepak’s course. I’ve done them before. You’ve got some great suggestions here for people going through transitions. Retirement is wonderful but it has also been a time when I’ve felt ‘lost.’
Thanks Molly. Transitions are tough but often lead to wonderful surprises. Thanks for stopping by! PS- I’ll check out your blog too
Love your writing style and words of wisdom!
Thanks Laura. I guess I speak from a tiny bit of experience on this one! Stay tuned…lots of fun content coming.
56′ Where do I start, I’ve spent over three years healing from a long life of being a victim of abuse. I’m A Survivor, with no blame, I took full responsibility for my past and then for myself… lots of tears. I want to help other women of abuse to heal, find higher self-awareness, and self-love. My problem is where and how do I begin? I’ve got confidence, but not enough to do a video although I have lots to say. I tell myself “Just do it, already.”
Any Advice? I’ll take it…
Hi Laurie,
It sounds like you have lots to offer to other women. There are lots of ways to get involved without doing a video. Could you start with some hands on experience working directly with women in organizations like Women in Distress? That could open many doors. And the written word is very powerful. A good start may be writing your thoughts down- even in a journal. And eventually writing for publications or as a guest blogger for bloggers in that space. Try a google search for “blogs about abuse.” I just did and there are a ton of resources and bloggers you can start following. I really hope you follow your dream and share your experience with women who need this support. Did you read “Kickstart Your Second Act- 4 Easy Steps to Starting Over After 50” on my homepage? I even did a little free workbook for you guys to get it started. You can sign up to get it on the pop up. Thanks so much for stopping by…Make 2021 the year you do this! Cynthia
Excellent advice! Something so simple as meditation (free and can be done almost anywhere) calms the mind and nervous system. Can’t wait to read more of your blog! 😊
Thanks for stopping by Kathy. Yes, meditation is everything.
This is so awsome and spot on.
Thanks for reading, You speak from experience, right?